JoHn

This is like some really obese guy that hangs out with us. Basically we all feel bad for him because he's hilariously fat and miserable, but none of us want to point it out, 1) because we don't want to hurt his feelings, and 2) read this fucking wiki and tell me if you think any of us are any better.

When I first met him I was convinced that he played guitar. No fucking clue why. I guess he just looks like the type of person who would play guitar. He likes classic rock and that one Canadian band Rush (even though he says he doesn't like them that much anymore but who fucking cares) and usually makes references to certain bands or songs that nobody gets.

Jtangel27100
This the fat fuck's youtube channel. Like any sane person, I assumed it was pronounced jay-tangle, but according to him it's pronounced Jay-tee-angel. Anyway, it's where this sad sack of shit posts his funny memes. He used to just make le montage parodies but then those became too mainstream for him.

You ever just wanna kill someone
So during our senior year apparently the crippling pressure and oppressive darkness of his universe finally got to him because JoHn went nowhere but down that whole time. His despair became particularly evident during our trip to Spain, when every two seconds he would ask "HEY, YOU GUYS WANNA GO TO A CAFE?? LET'S GO TO A CAFE, GET SOME CAFE AU LAIT HOW'S THAT SOUND". And apparently once when he and Evan were having dinner at their host family's house, this anxious abortion accused Evan of deliberately scraping his fork against his teeth to produce a noise that JoHn apparently found intolerable. Like what kind of an angsty, unstable trainwreck of a guy bothers to make such a big deal about something so trivial? And on our last day of school, he thought he would "surprise" us with the shocking revelation that "[he] fucking hated all of us" or some bullshit like that, as if amongst all the existential despair, crippling stress and raw depravity, we could possibly find it within ourselves to care about his retarded feelings whatsoever at that point. Shortly afterwards, he allegedly visited a psychiatrist and reported that he had "severe feelings of hostility" towards Evan, Enrique, Herschel and Pizza Castle. Like I honestly just feel bad for the twisted fuck, hopefully he does enough Xanax to neutralise his brain for eternity.